Cell Phone Causes Panic

A passenger finds a cell phone on Alaska Airlines Flight 383. No one claims the cell phone. The pilot radios ahead to the Seattle airport: “Unclaimed cell phone on board.” The plane is evacuated upon landing. No flights are allowed to land or take off. Forty minutes tick by. Forty long minutes of fear, dread, and terror, while a bomb squad investigates. Finally, it is determined that the cell phone is … a cell phone.

Today it’s an airline. Tomorrow it could be a train, or a bus, or a bus stop, or a shopping mall, or the parking lot of a shopping mall, or Disneyland, or a football game, any place where someone might drop or forget a cell phone. In other words, it could happen anytime anywhere.

Are there enough bomb squads in the country to investigate all the lost cell phones that are found on any given day? What if there aren’t enough? What will we do? And what about shoes? A shoe can be a bomb too! Are there enough bomb squads to investigate all the lost cell phones and lost shoes that are found on an hourly basis? What if there aren't? What will we do? What will we do? Will we fill up our pants with poo? What if it’s not a shoe, but a pile of smelly goo? And what if the goo gives us the flu? Will there be anyone to sue? What oh what will we do? Or what if it’s not a pile of goo, but a bottle of cheap shampoo? What oh what will we do? And what if a cell phone’s inside the shampoo? What oh what will we do? Will we blame it on a Jew? Or blame it on Peru? And what if we find some goo in a shoe and the shoe inside of a zoo? Who should we evacuate first, the gnu or the caribou? I dont know—do you? Maybe the kangaroo? Maybe the cockatoo? Who would you evacuate? Who? Who? Who? Whatever will we do? There's goo in a shoe in the zoo and we don't know what to do! What oh what will we do? Whatever will we do? In the Sissy Pants Nation, Sissy Pants Nation, we don’t know what to do!