Sunday, February 17, 2008

Flashlight from Hell: Safer than a Taser

An alternative has been found to the Taser. Now, we can all truly feel safe.

The Taser, as you know, has killed at least 300 people over the past few years, thus tarnishing its reputation as a non-lethal weapon. After all, non-lethal weapons are supposed to be—well, not lethal. It is clear, then, that the Taser should be phased out. But what will we replace it with it?

This question has now been answered. The always benevolent Department of Homeland Security, in collaboration with the highly reputable Los Angeles Police Department, has developed a humane device called the LED Incapacitator.

It has been described as a high-tech flashlight. It flashes at such a high frequency that when it reaches the eyes of the target it overloads the brain, causing blindness, headache, and nausea. The target then has no choice but to comply with an order. Compliance of course is always easier when you are groping about in blind agony and vomiting.

These effects are temporary, of course. As David Throckmorton of Homeland Security puts it, the device “doesn’t really do any damage to you.” And why would it? I mean, how could you possibly damage someone by scrambling their brainwaves, frying their eyeballs, and causing them to puke up their intestines? It is absurd even to suggest that such a thing could cause seizures or optical damage, or strangulation on one’s own vomit. Absurd and crazy.

And, of course, we can always trust the police to use it responsibly and only on persons who have brought it on themselves. Deaf persons who do not obey a direct verbal order have no one to blame but themselves. The innocent, as always, have nothing to fear.