Memories Like Snapshots
It all recedes into the past now, the holidays … memories like snapshots … Thanksgiving at the ranch near Llano where Tim has his deer lease … a gray day, windy and cold … Tim puts another mesquite log in the smoker … Paul and I warm our hands over the flame before the cover is closed … it is a ham that is being smoked … nearby, cattle gather, still as statues, staring at us … “they’re looking at you” I say to Jake … we see deer in the distance crossing the rugged road … from inside the house, cheerful womens’ voices … Diane, Laura, LaVell and my mother preparing vegetables and setting the table … later we’re all inside … it is warm and the food is good … the wind rattles the windows …
After dinner, we drive to the foot of the mountain and explore the pioneer house … 1850s vintage, Comanche days … behind the pioneer house, from a later era stands an old Aerometer windmill … blades turn in the wind … mesquite limbs bend … my mother trips on a log stump, but luckily doesn’t fall and it’s only a bruise … my cell phone rings in my jacket pocket … Richard calling from his place in North Texas … prompted by the date (November 22), he asks why are they still covering up the JFK assassination when so many of the old players are dead, what’s the point … I suggest it is because the new players, too, have a vested interest … if you open up the JFK can of worms, all the worms come out, not just one or two … and the day that is done, the day the coup d’etat of ’63 is openly admitted, the veneer of legitimacy is lost …
The days leading up to Christmas are crazy … why do I always think I’ll have lots of time to relax and read during the holidays … always more to do than I anticipate … Diane gets sick … so sick she can’t even make the party at Baird and Susannah’s … but I go … last year, everyone mostly congregated in the backyard, but tonight it's too cold, a few people huddle by the small bonfire, but most are inside … I'm having a good time, but concerned about Diane, so leave early … driving home, listening to music, I feel good, but wonder will Diane be able to make the trip to Dallas … happily, the next day she begins to feel better …
Two days before the trip to Dallas, I dreamed I was walking through a house and looked up to see my father perched on a wooden platform … he was in a dark suit and wearing his glasses and looked down at me smiling … I was glad to see him, but thought the platform was a strange place for him to be … the platform, I noticed, was nailed into the side of the wall … well, two days later in waking life, I walk into my stepmother’s house in Dallas and the first thing I see is a picture of my father on the wooden fireplace mantle … never saw it there before … my stepmother placed it there just recently … in the picture, he is wearing a dark suit and glasses, and smiling, like in the dream … it has been hard for me to look at pictures of him since he died, but today it is not hard and I'm glad the picture is there … he smiles down on us throughout the visit … I remember Christmas a year ago when he and I sat up late in this very room, talking and drinking wine while the rain pattered outside … and now here it is, the first Christmas without him …
Later, at my mother’s house, there is a family gathering … LaVell and Tim are there, and nephew Jake … and my other nephew Hal is there, with his wife and baby … he tells us his band’s new album has been released and promises us a copy when we return in a couple of days … we all sit up late talking … it is fun, but I am tired, tired, tired, and relieved when I finally get into bed … I read a page of a book, a biography of Buffalo Bill, then my eyes begin to cross and next thing I know it is Christmas Eve morning and bitter cold outside … I defrost the car’s windows before heading back to Austin … my mother is with us, the point of the trip being to bring her back with us for Christmas dinner at my daughter’s … she does not get to see her granddaughter and great-granddaughter enough, and driving such a distance is difficult for her … so we make the drive to Austin, and later that night Diane's brother Paul and sister Laura join us for a taco dinner and to exchange gifts … Paul’s not driving, so is able to partake of my Sailor Jerry-spiked eggnog … after a few of these, I get too lively … good thing I'm not driving … later after they leave, my mother and I sit up late looking at old photos of Mineral Wells on the computer and talk about family history …
Next day it is warm … Christmas dinner at my daughter and her husband’s new house … the place is crowded … his side of the family is there as well … his grandmother is there, making a total of two great-grandmothers in attendance … we find my granddaughter on the back porch, playing happily in the sun … she is wearing a cheerleader costume someone gave her for Christmas … she does a cheer for us with pom-poms … Diane plays hide-and-seek with her … my ex-wife and her husband arrive … I see her rarely now … we hug … I shake hands with her husband … they seem to be doing well, and I am glad … later, dinner is served … the two great-grandmothers sit together …
There were more gatherings before the holidays ended … back in Dallas, where Hal made good on his promise to give us a copy of his album … (see his band's MySpace page to hear his guitar work) … and back in Austin, one last gathering the afternoon before New Years Eve, when Baird and Susannah arrive at our place with Brian Roper who is visiting from Fort Worth … I show them the artwork for my next Hotwire story due out this month … Diane makes enchiladas, and we talk and laugh till well past dark … (see Brian's account of his Austin visit on File23) … then on New Years Eve, Diane and I have our private party of two … I cook steaks … we listen to music, and reminisce about the past year, which has been very good, and wonder about the coming year …
In a few weeks, I will retire from my day job at UT … I am 55, with some good years left, I hope … so many more things I always wanted to do as an artist and writer, but was limited by family and financial obligations … maybe now at last I can begin … and in the spring there will be a trip to Europe with my daughter, first time for me, the fulfillment of a dream … I am excited about retirement, but also apprehensive … that is the way with the unknown, the future, there are no guarantees, nothing is known for sure, that is why it is called the unknown … all I know for sure is that it is time for a change … time to take the leap … the leap of faith, without a safety net, into the unknown …
The holidays recede into memory, still near and yet so far … today is Saturday, the sun is shining and it is a warm January day in Central Texas, and I am in the present moment, and it is good …
After dinner, we drive to the foot of the mountain and explore the pioneer house … 1850s vintage, Comanche days … behind the pioneer house, from a later era stands an old Aerometer windmill … blades turn in the wind … mesquite limbs bend … my mother trips on a log stump, but luckily doesn’t fall and it’s only a bruise … my cell phone rings in my jacket pocket … Richard calling from his place in North Texas … prompted by the date (November 22), he asks why are they still covering up the JFK assassination when so many of the old players are dead, what’s the point … I suggest it is because the new players, too, have a vested interest … if you open up the JFK can of worms, all the worms come out, not just one or two … and the day that is done, the day the coup d’etat of ’63 is openly admitted, the veneer of legitimacy is lost …
The days leading up to Christmas are crazy … why do I always think I’ll have lots of time to relax and read during the holidays … always more to do than I anticipate … Diane gets sick … so sick she can’t even make the party at Baird and Susannah’s … but I go … last year, everyone mostly congregated in the backyard, but tonight it's too cold, a few people huddle by the small bonfire, but most are inside … I'm having a good time, but concerned about Diane, so leave early … driving home, listening to music, I feel good, but wonder will Diane be able to make the trip to Dallas … happily, the next day she begins to feel better …
Two days before the trip to Dallas, I dreamed I was walking through a house and looked up to see my father perched on a wooden platform … he was in a dark suit and wearing his glasses and looked down at me smiling … I was glad to see him, but thought the platform was a strange place for him to be … the platform, I noticed, was nailed into the side of the wall … well, two days later in waking life, I walk into my stepmother’s house in Dallas and the first thing I see is a picture of my father on the wooden fireplace mantle … never saw it there before … my stepmother placed it there just recently … in the picture, he is wearing a dark suit and glasses, and smiling, like in the dream … it has been hard for me to look at pictures of him since he died, but today it is not hard and I'm glad the picture is there … he smiles down on us throughout the visit … I remember Christmas a year ago when he and I sat up late in this very room, talking and drinking wine while the rain pattered outside … and now here it is, the first Christmas without him …
Later, at my mother’s house, there is a family gathering … LaVell and Tim are there, and nephew Jake … and my other nephew Hal is there, with his wife and baby … he tells us his band’s new album has been released and promises us a copy when we return in a couple of days … we all sit up late talking … it is fun, but I am tired, tired, tired, and relieved when I finally get into bed … I read a page of a book, a biography of Buffalo Bill, then my eyes begin to cross and next thing I know it is Christmas Eve morning and bitter cold outside … I defrost the car’s windows before heading back to Austin … my mother is with us, the point of the trip being to bring her back with us for Christmas dinner at my daughter’s … she does not get to see her granddaughter and great-granddaughter enough, and driving such a distance is difficult for her … so we make the drive to Austin, and later that night Diane's brother Paul and sister Laura join us for a taco dinner and to exchange gifts … Paul’s not driving, so is able to partake of my Sailor Jerry-spiked eggnog … after a few of these, I get too lively … good thing I'm not driving … later after they leave, my mother and I sit up late looking at old photos of Mineral Wells on the computer and talk about family history …
Next day it is warm … Christmas dinner at my daughter and her husband’s new house … the place is crowded … his side of the family is there as well … his grandmother is there, making a total of two great-grandmothers in attendance … we find my granddaughter on the back porch, playing happily in the sun … she is wearing a cheerleader costume someone gave her for Christmas … she does a cheer for us with pom-poms … Diane plays hide-and-seek with her … my ex-wife and her husband arrive … I see her rarely now … we hug … I shake hands with her husband … they seem to be doing well, and I am glad … later, dinner is served … the two great-grandmothers sit together …
There were more gatherings before the holidays ended … back in Dallas, where Hal made good on his promise to give us a copy of his album … (see his band's MySpace page to hear his guitar work) … and back in Austin, one last gathering the afternoon before New Years Eve, when Baird and Susannah arrive at our place with Brian Roper who is visiting from Fort Worth … I show them the artwork for my next Hotwire story due out this month … Diane makes enchiladas, and we talk and laugh till well past dark … (see Brian's account of his Austin visit on File23) … then on New Years Eve, Diane and I have our private party of two … I cook steaks … we listen to music, and reminisce about the past year, which has been very good, and wonder about the coming year …
In a few weeks, I will retire from my day job at UT … I am 55, with some good years left, I hope … so many more things I always wanted to do as an artist and writer, but was limited by family and financial obligations … maybe now at last I can begin … and in the spring there will be a trip to Europe with my daughter, first time for me, the fulfillment of a dream … I am excited about retirement, but also apprehensive … that is the way with the unknown, the future, there are no guarantees, nothing is known for sure, that is why it is called the unknown … all I know for sure is that it is time for a change … time to take the leap … the leap of faith, without a safety net, into the unknown …
The holidays recede into memory, still near and yet so far … today is Saturday, the sun is shining and it is a warm January day in Central Texas, and I am in the present moment, and it is good …
posted by Mack White at 4:15 PM
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